I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
