I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
