Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
