i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
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