I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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