Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
