Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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