Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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