She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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