i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
