I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
