When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
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