So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
