His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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