i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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