My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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