I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
