I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
