Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
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Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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