We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
