tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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