i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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