Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
