I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You don't make any sense
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