Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
