I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
