Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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