i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
