I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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