we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
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The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
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Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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