You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
