I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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