Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize