So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
