i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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