I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
