last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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