I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
