You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
