Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
