the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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