Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
