I accidentally burped into my bong.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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