I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
