So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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