My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
