Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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