Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
