***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
FUCK WHALES
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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