I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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