I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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