sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
