I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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