You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
