We won't sleep together?
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
The best revenge is premature balding
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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